dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
