i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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