his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
