nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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