Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
