He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
