the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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