i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
