I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
not ubering you a puppy
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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