I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
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We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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