ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
