I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
lets start a swedish sibling band together
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize