The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
