Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
