Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
