OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my vag is so smooth its legendary
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
