Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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