who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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