those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
