yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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