I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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