remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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