I'm so fucking centered right now
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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