First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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