ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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