I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
