what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
