Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
