i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.