Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
