I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
