I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
