I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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