Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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