and you said cock pushups were impossible
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
