I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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