its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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