We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
