I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
