I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
