More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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