I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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