Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
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Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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