did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What's dad's email?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up