I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh good, I think they're gone
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?