you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
