I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
