Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
