Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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