i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
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Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
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I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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