saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
