3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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