her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
